The World According to Golf‏ (jokes)

[Architect]

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

-- Grantland Rice

 

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

-- John Updike

 

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

-- Robert Lynd

 

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.

-- Horace G. Hutchinson

 

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is morecomplicated than that.

-- GardnerDickinson

 

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

-- Sam Snead

 

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

-- William Wordsworth

 

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

-- Dean Martin

 

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.

-- Tommy Bolt

 

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personallyresponsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

-- Bishop Sheen

 

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.

-- Arnold Palmer

 

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.

-- Chris Codiroli

 

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.

-- Pete Dye

 

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!

-- Buddy Hackett

 

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.

-- Billy Graham

 

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

-- Jack Lemmon

 

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

-- Mark Twain

 

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

-- Harry Vardon

 

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.

-- Jimmy DeMaret

 

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

-- Ben Hogan

 

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.

-- Anon

 

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

-- George Deukmejian

 

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

-- Lee Trevino

 

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.

-- Woody Woodbury

 

25. The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and cell phone out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.

-- Anon

 

 

 

And finally:

 

Alzheimer's Rule - If you can't find you ball within five minutes, check the ball washer.